When I was in a young adult life group we learned the differences in-between men and women. Men remember moments. Woman remember feelings. So, as a woman, if I am feeling happy I’ll remember other things that have made me happy. But if I am feeling angry, I’ll just remember all the other crap in my life that had made me angry. Which means in no time flat I’m raging and I’m pissed. But not just at what made me mad, now I’m mad at every one and everything and I want to explode. When I’m hurt I remember all the other things that hurt and before I know it I’m drowning in pain. Men say we’re emotional, but if they thought the way we did they’d be emotional too.
(via thatkindofwoman)
(via thatkindofwoman)
I have a difficult time expressing myself.
But it’s not even that, not really. It’s the fact that I don’t have any body to truly express my feelings to. Lately I’ve felt so alone and I just want a true friend to be with but I also just want to run and be alone and free and without the drama of these relationships. I feel like nobody likes me. Which I know seems ridiculous and that every one feels that way but I really do feel that way. I have three people that I would consider real friends but one moved to a different country, the other is always far too busy for the likes of me, and the third, we spend time together but theres just something that is missing..
Last night I was talking with my Father and he told me about the elephant in the room. It was the elephant in the room that I’ve been trying to hide from myself, let alone everybody else. I knew it was there, I would acknowledge it but I still liked to pretend that it wasn’t there. I want to have sex. I really do. I want some one to love me, to cuddle next to. I want some one who will say things to me like “I’ve been looking for you all night. And I feel.. all my life.” But the fact is, no matter how much I want those things, they are of movies. They aren’t real life. You don’t meet a man who says “You were my new dream.” It doesn’t happen. I want all of these unrealistic things and it’s just so hard to realize the things that I actually can attain.
I have unrealistic expectations for my relationships and that’s why they are constantly failing or in some stupid dramatic situation. Because I once had a great relationship but it moved across the country and turned into some one she was never meant to be. And now we don’t even talk.
And even now, I am saying exactly what I mean and how I feel and nothing. I still feel weird and odd inside and I can’t get rid of this feeling in my chest. Hopelessness? Anxiety? Helplessness? I am getting far too depressed. And it’s exactly what satan wants. He wants me to get down on myself so that I will doubt myself and stop striving for greatness.
It’s so hard. Life is ridiculous and I just need to find the joy in my life right now.
